This originally was not written for a blog post. It’s from my own personal journal. I felt to share with you my journal entry, a little piece of my heart and struggles written on May 17th. This is raw with nothing edited, just as I wrote it over a month ago.
I think I have never had such deep revelation of my life really not being my own until having Maddox. I miss free time! They say life gets easier but I don’t see it. Time is fleeting and sometimes I feel in a panic. Am I doing anything? What do I want to do with my life? Do I want more kids? Do I want to be a full time mom? Do I want to live overseas forever? Do I want to work?
Life…What does it hold? It seems when I finally ‘arrive’ to something I’ve dreamt of for years the grass is greener on the other side. I’ve always wanted to live in the city and now that I’m here I dream of the beach or a pueblo. I’ve dreamt of living in community and now I want my own space. I’ve dreamt of living in the spanish speaking world and now I miss english. I’ve always been told I have a mother’s heart and I dream of having 4 kids—now I have one and I can barely do it.
What is life? What am I thinking? What do I put my trust in? My heart longs for contentment, peace, rest. But what is rest? When I ‘arrive’ will I be satisfied? Or will I look for something different? Something “more”?
But what is rest? When I ‘arrive’ will I be satisfied? Or will I look for something different?
I can’t put my hope in people or things. I can’t live life based on emotions of feelings. I can’t act out of my circumstances. I must put my hope in something eternal, something constant and true. I must hope in Jesus, who never leaves me. Who actually holds my life in His hands, who never lets me down.
Though circumstances complicate life sometimes, though people come and go—He remains the same.
I can breathe. In Him I find my rest. He is peace. His burden is light, His yoke easy. Why do I entertain thoughts that aren’t His? Why do I hope in things that will let me down?
He is the true source of joy of life. He says don’t be anxious about anything but to cast all cares on Him. He says draw near to Him and He will draw near to me. He is my Maker and Creator. He loves when I pour out my heart to Him. He listens. And He speaks. True life is found only in Him.
He says don’t be anxious about anything but to cast all cares on Him. He says draw near to Him and He will draw near to me.
So though I wrestle at times with my thoughts, I know deep down it doesn’t matter if I live in the city or on the sea; have 1 kid or 4; work or stay at home; live overseas or in America; live in community or live in a house by myself…
One things remains.
Beautiful Jesus. My source of living hope and unconditional love. The One who truly sacrificed it all for me. The One who paid the price so I could be free. And for that I am eternally grateful. Jesus. I chose you because you first chose me. I love you because you first loved me.